May 26, 2023 - “I have to leave the table, have to sit and stare blankly” by Elizabeth Lerman

I have to leave the table, have to sit and stare blankly in the small bathroom because they are so honest it makes it hard to breathe and I don’t know if it’s the beer or the boundaries but something is different here and I know I’m not easily shocked, so maybe it’s not shock so much as it is relief, a deep breath that breaks me in two and I don’t really want to think about what I’m trying not to think about but the way they think about it makes me want to sob and say so what because that’s what they are doing, as they lock hands and smoke like it’s second nature, and that’s what I want, later I mean, when it matters, which seems so far from now but also so close because the way they are talking about it tells me it all happens very fast, and she is on her knees now, in the garden, shameless and screaming while they laugh and love her for it, and I want to pounce then, want to pry the sureness out of the scene and swallow it up for myself.