February 7, 2021 - From Issue No. 8 - 2020 - Alexandra Pauley - “Alone”

I’m alone, in a sea of people. Okay, I’m not literally alone, because with each passing second, I’m being touched by an uncomfortable number of commuter strangers; some only fractionally less unpleasant than others. It’s almost a Penn Station tradition. Like a school of fish, we, me and the people around me, change course with those headed in our direction; onto the subway, or out to the ruckus 8th street exit. Branching off, and on, over and over again; my destiny, to be the dim, sticky seats of the car interior. I see countless people, of every age, color, and size, without truly seeing anyone.

I’m not physically alone, but I’m emotionally alone. My thoughts are not projected onto the nearest grimy wall like graffiti, but projected securely inside of my own skull, where they’re able to bounce around freely, or to get stuck together with other thoughts, much like those pesky cockle burrs I endure while taking a hike. We, the many, are a Seurat painting; a million dots, nee people, creating a whole picture, but none of us truly connecting. Despite the initial joy of a lovely spring day trip to the Guggenheim, the realization makes me sad. Even, mad. It evokes a vow of change, and yet, makes no difference whatsoever. But the seed has been planted; I’m alone, only if I choose to be alone. The sea of people is ever-shifting, but infinite.

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Alexandra Pauley is the author of Semi-Sweet Sarcophagus, Wacky Wonders Chocolate Boutique Cookbook, On The Verge Of Being Homeless: A Guide To Wise Decisions, The 'New Homeless', and other works of fiction and non-fiction. An advocate to the homeless population, she is currently volunteering with Sleepy Herd, Inc. Alexandra has a B.A. in Psychology, and is a Certified Science of Happiness Specialist with Hapacus.