January 24, 2023 - “Everything is going wrong but none of it is real” by Elizabeth Lerman

The knot in my stomach stretches towards my throat and there is something soft in the way now, something that wants to be seen, sometimes, at least, and I am so lonely lately — maybe I always am, but there’s been more room to feel it, more space to fill with something like longing, and I love most things about my life but when the feeling comes, when it creeps up from behind and breaks itself over my head, I get dizzy and drained and I want to cry but I can’t, so instead I sob in my dreams. I sob about everything, really, everything. There, I cry because he doesn’t want me, because my parents won’t pay attention, because I am late for the wedding and have nothing to wear, because no one will walk with me, because good things happen in a horrible way, because it is getting dark and the dog won’t come home, because the guinea pig got out and a gator got her, I cry because everything is going wrong but none of it is real and it feels good, I think, to scream like that, to throw myself down on the floor and wail because I want to.